VULTURE DROPPINGS OF THE WEEK: Disney Pop Stars
Its Friday! Which means it’s time once again for the weekly round-up of my favorite pop culture atrocities, misfires and entertaining train wrecks. This week’s theme: Disney Pop Stars.
It’s not enough that their songs suck, but just wait til you see music videos that accompany them. When the entire glossy package is put together, the results are truly unsettling.
1. “SNEAKER NIGHT”, VANESSA HUDGENS
“Sneaker Night” is from Vanessa Hudgen‘s 2008 album Identified, in which the soul-searching lyics “Basically what we’re gonna do is dance” get repeated over and over again until the listener begins to suffer a low-decibel brain aneurysm. In recent years, The High School Musical star has desperately tried to maintain her safe Disney image despite engaging in very “adult” actions (such as the infamous nude photo shoot from 2007). And that’s why this song is so bizarre. Hudgens seems to be conflicted as to whether or not she wants it to be tween safe, mother approved or dirty/skanky debauchery. You decide.
2. “FLY TO YOUR HEART”, SELENA GOMEZ
Selena Gomez is the epitome of uncorrupted youth. Now 17, she has been the darling of the tween set ever since her turn as lovable Alex Russo on The Wizards of Waverly Place. Before that, she appeared on Hannah Montana and The Suite Life of Zack & Cody. Her carefully constructed persona is as a squeaky clean singer/sitcom actor. She’s basically the Latin female version of The Jonas Brothers. In a quote from TV.com, she details the importance of her purity ring:
I’ve had my ring since I was 12 years old. But for me it’s not something I want to go around saying, ‘Hey, look what I have.’ It’s a promise I made to myself and God. I think some people misinterpret that as a trend and think everyone’s getting one.
Yeah, I’m sure it’s not a trend. And I’m sure it doesn’t help further her career with Disney either. She’s just that pure and angelic, I guess! The perfect example what Gomez strives to be is found in this embarrassingly cheapie production of “Fly to your Heart”, made for her 2008 straight-to-video stinker, Tinkerbell. Lame would be too soft a word.
3. “DOUBLE DUTCH BUS”, RAVEN-SYMONE
It’s time to take a ride on the “Double Dutch Bus” with Raven-Symoné. Fresh off her throw-everything-at-the-wall sitcom, That’s So Raven, she ventured into the world of cinema with her throw-everything-at-the-wall star vehicle, College Road Trip. The movie, which also features family comedy staple Martin Lawrence, is what critic Richard Roeper calls “genuinely, consistently, indisputably putrid.” I’m sure he meant that in a nice way. Raven’s “Double Dutch Bus” is a single that’s featured prominently in the movie and also on the soundtrack . It’s a remake of a 1981 funk song by Frankie Smith, but, besides its title, it bares little resemblance to it. The video maintains the same shameless spirit of the movie. You gotta hand it to her, though, she has a manic energy and eccentric persona that can only be described as “so Raven.”